Tag Archives: New Mom

Beware that you will compare

I always believed in the advice to not compare your child to any other child including and especially to their siblings..It seemed like logical/practical advice and therefore simple enough to follow. But as I continue to grow and walk on this journey of motherhood I find that there are so many things that are easier said than done. Also, you may have every good intention to do things in a particular way , which includes a goal to never be that type of parent, but you can’t say what you will do for sure until you are actually in that position.

Sometimes it is hard to sit in a room full of kids who are on the honor roll and your child is failing, hard to be around toddlers who are talking, singing, and have good social skills and your toddler says three words and appears to be introverted, it can hurt to be around other children who are affectionate and loving and your child is distant and can barely give you a hug or to be around a child who has a great appetite and eats their fruits and veggies and your kid cries hysterically or complains at mealtime. Whether or not some of you want to admit it, this is a real issue that we all will experience! If you have NEVER EVER compared someone else’s child to your own or vice versa, trust me your time to do so will come and it’s okay and VERY normal. However, it is not okay to constantly do so and say it aloud to your child. By you doing so, they won’t be secure of your belief in them which will create a poor sense of self as they will not believe in themselves because they will feel like whatever they do will not match up to those that you compare them to, but most of all you are sending a clear message that they are “not good enough”. This can lead your child into a host of various problems to tackle right into their adulthood including depression, anxiety, shame, emotional instability and even anger management issues. Their shame will turn into anger towards you and that anger will spread to everyone who comes into their life thereafter.

I say all this to say that if you should find yourself having a desire to compare another person’s child to your own, essentially you want what they have. So instead of being jealous, bitter, frustrated or angry, why not ask them how their child reached certain milestones, gained a healthy appetite, stayed on the honor roll every year since 1st grade, etc. Keep in mind that no child is the same , so what may work for that child may not work for yours. But it’s worth a try to do something different because obviously what your child is doing isn’t working and it can drive you to that place of driving yourself crazy LITERALLY, because insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

In addition, talk to your pediatrician just to double-check that your child does not need supplemental resources, vitamins, counseling, etc. In conclusion, choose to be open-minded, choose to acknowledge that asking for help or advice doesn’t make you any less of a parent, but remember in the midst of all of that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. There may even be something you have/your child has that they wish they had. You just never know, so be thankful for WHAT YOU DO HAVE…

“Mean Well, then Speak Well”

Whenever I travel out-of-town, I call significant people in my life  to let them know of my plans. This week I am preparing to travel out-of-town in a few days and one of those significant people who “means well, but often doesn’t speak well” said, “Ok, I love you and safe travels and make sure you don’t starve the kids”. YES THEY DID!!! YES THEY DID undermine my common sense and mothering of my kiddies..I was quite appalled, but decided to not dignify their words with a response because I am SOOOOOO TIRED of telling this person about their “not so nice” words. Their “stuff” that they refuse to fully deal with often gets in the way of how we communicate. How do you respond to that without having a feud and giving off negative energy, when you are striving to be a positive person?!??!! So, can someone really mean well if they continue to not speak well to you?!?!?? I don’t think so!

Whether you, the reader of this post are a Christian or not, I believe you can’t help but agree that this Proverb from the Bible speaks THE TRUTH about how powerful words are!

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Which simply means that you can help or harm with your words, you can empower or demean with your words, you can encourage or discourage with your words, but most of all you CHOOSE YOUR WORDS! When (our) children have fits, tantrums, or are straight up acting like they are losing their minds, very often when attempting to defuse the situation we say “USE YOUR WORDS”, or when we want them to be polite and say things such as please, thank-you, etc. we might say WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD. So as adults why don’t we “use our words”? why do we stop saying “the magic word”? Sadly, I have seen women tear each other down instead of building one another up:( and it all stems from a need to compete and survive in this crazy world that caters to men in ways that women are not catered to(i.e.  men receiving a higher salary pay than a woman who holds the same job position<– Quite a shame that we are in the 21st century and this happens more than you think).  If we would only come to the realization that we are stronger together than apart. Competition is not a bad thing, but it becomes unhealthy when you degrade someone and you don’t have any regard for another person and will take them down, bring them down, SPEAK THEM DOWN, to get what you want, to get your point across. Last time I checked we were all human beings, whether a man or woman we bleed red, so why not have an uplifting attitude, word and spirit.

As a new mom, it is so important to surround myself with positive women, but essentially positive people in general. I know that there are many people who “MEAN WELL” and want to give me all types of advice because they have “been there, done that”,but if you impose your beliefs on me, hardly compliment or acknowledge my efforts to be the best me or ridicule my every move then I will never get the opportunity to say that I have “been there, done that”. Honestly that expression “been there, done that”  if you “MEAN WELL”, should only be said with good intent to encourage someone because your experience has equipped you with the tools to push through. So, there is no excuse, if you “mean well”!

Maybe we need to really consider the old adage that says, “If you have nothing good to say, then don’t say nothing at all”. Unfortunately, most of us have a few of those “mean well,but often doesn’t speak well” people in our lives, and my advice is simply SPEAK UP! Do not let anyone speak down to you because you are young, you’re a new mom, a new graduate, etc. Let them know that what they said did harm and not help. And if they say that you’re being dramatic, immature, etc. simply tell them, “Well you have your right to your opinion, so who am I to sit here and work hard to convince you of anything different”. However, do not disregard or diminish the fact that you were hurt because we need to be more cognizant as fellow human beings of USING OUR WORDS to encourage not discourage, BUT do know which battles to fight. Some people’s “stuff” can be a hindrance to the most tactful, yet honest response you may say because “Hurting people say and do hurtful things”. However, you don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag, you can  decide to be cordial and keep them at an arm’s length or if for whatever reason they have to be in your circle, use discernment about what you share with them and if all else fails WALK AWAY with your head held high because you may not be perfect, but if you’re putting your best foot forward then you are being the best you, you can be!