Tag Archives: Married

Rebel with a cause (against my family)

My world definitely revolves around my family life, specifically my kids; I would give anything and everything for my children. However, I am realizing more and more that it’s important to not sacrifice my identity while I sacrifice for my children. This is so much easier said than done when you’re juggling being a wife and a mother of two young children, but I know how important it is to remember that I am a woman first and I have an identity outside of these two roles.

I really do make an effort to take advantage of those moments where I can just be Jen and take off my wife and mother hats even if it’s just for an hour. Sometimes I bring dilemmas on myself because I get overly excited and so focused in on having me time. For example, once my husband gets home from work I will leave the kids home with him and plan for a trip to the market or a department store like Marshalls, which are both less than 15 mins.away, but I won’t get back home till about 4 hrs.later. SOMETIMES I GET CAUGHT UP! It really bothers my husband because I’m telling him one thing and doing another, so we finally decided that I need to just really be honest and give him a time much later than I expect so he can plan accordingly. But sometimes I forget and that time alone, that me time, that’s crucial, takes over and time moves quicker than I realize and I go off into me time lala land.

I am making an effort to keep my husband informed, but I am also making an effort to help him understand the importance of my getaways. He acknowledges that I work hard as a stay at home mother and wife, but he doesn’t have an understanding as to the psychology behind my getaways that I get carried away in. Well, one day soon enough I hope he gets it, cause me time lala land is not easy to get over and I honestly feel like I deserve me time lala land and it is more than okay:).

Here we have an example of that rebel with a cause attitude against my husband that is unintentional and I don’t realize I’m doing it until it’s too late, SORRY HON! And now on to the children.

My next example of my rebel with a cause attitude is quite intentional, but not practical. My poor Bella is a victim of this one. It all stems from my love for those moments where I have an opportunity to get out of my yoga pants and camis, house robe or lounge clothing and get dolled up! I get the chance to wear some makeup, dress up with THE OUTFIT THAT IS THE ONE and some heels.

I often have selective memory loss on one important detail though, (when my daughter is a part of this outing) that I am still nursing and therefore need to wear a nursing friendly outfit. You would think that I would remember this small detail after 11 months. But then that rebel with a cause attitude comes around and I say to myself, NO, I REFUSE! I refuse to wear that wrap dress or that button down shirt, when I have that boatneck dress that I haven’t worn since I’ve been pregnant with my daughter or that cute sleeveless mock turtleneck dress that is so flattering on me!

I reassure myself by saying something along the lines of, we will figure something out somehow IF she wants to nurse while we’re out…IF, IF, really I know better, my baby girl wants to nurse when she wants, no ifs, ands, or buts about it. So, that rebel with a cause gets me into quite a fiasco with a crying, yelling and a demanding baby because I want to wear what I want.

At the time when I’m getting dressed I convince myself that it’s a good idea; I deserve this opportunity to wear that dress, that outfit, until reality hits and I have to rush home or to an appropriate place where I can fully undress. Recently I made the decision that the non friendly nursing outfit is not worth the tears or fits of my daughter. Therefore, I have raised my white flag and given in. Although I love nursing and don’t believe in giving my daughter a deadline to stop nursing (my beliefs are somewhere between mommy led weaning and baby led meaning), I must admit that I am looking forward to wearing those non friendly nursing outfits again once that time comes.

I have so many more examples of the rebel with a cause attitude, but the main message in this post is simply “choose your battles”. Yes there are so many countless times when women and those of us that also hold the title of mommas compromise or disregard what we want for the people we love; our family. There is nothing wrong with being selfless, but there is something wrong with losing yourself or that alone, me time that is crucial for everyone. The getaway makes the return so much sweeter.

If it’s a walk around the block where you feel the wind against your skin and smell the roses, perhaps it’s a bike ride where you get a different view of the outdoors, maybe it’s a trip to the bookstore where you can get lost in a book or a trip to the nail salon, hair salon once a month to pamper yourself, DO IT FOR YOU, just be sure to plan ahead with your spouse/your significant other of your whereabouts so they don’t worry or feel uninformed and DEFINITELY if you’re breastfeeding wear that nursing friendly outfit, there will be a time when you can ditch them and have no limits on your fashion picks. No need to learn the hard way, I have done that for all of us!

“Compliment Not Compete”

The other day as I was preparing to go to church my television was tuned in to a preacher by the name of Kerry Shook who made a statement that spoke to my heart. He said, “Men and women were created to compliment one another not compete with one another”…That’s just the way we were created to be..
Using the bible as a reference point Genesis 2:18 says, ….
“It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him”. Which simply means, someone who can be a partner, A HELP, NOT A HURT… This preacher went on to say that your partner should be your companion not your opponent.

How awesome could our relationships be if both individuals took that statement and really applied it to their marriage/their partnership?!?!!! Defenses would decrease and communication would increase! You can bank on the fact that this person is not out to get you, but instead they have your best interest at heart. That doesn’t mean that every word out of your mouth/their mouth will be uplifting because we are imperfect people living in an imperfect world and naturally our words can hurt or tear a person down. However, when it becomes ongoing verbal abuse that is NOT OKAY! When your partner says something that is hurtful, COMMUNICATE, express that pain to them, don’t let it simmer, because you are setting up a platform for the two of you to become opponents! Communication to your partner leads to deeper intimacy (not just physical) and companionship. The partner who does the hurting needs to take a genuine look on how they hurt and make efforts to speak better, to do better. I truly believe if someone says they love you, they should love you enough to consider your feelings even if they don’t understand it. They should take on the role of “a student” and let you teach them how to speak to you, how to treat you, how to essentially love you..This can only be done if SELFLESSNESS is a component within both partners..

I have mentioned partners and not just spouses in this entry intentionally because if opposition is more apparent than companionship in a dating/engaged relationship take a SERIOUS LOOK AT WHY YOU’RE STAYING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP! Because if you believe it will POOF, BEGONE and change in marriage you are delusional. Without any type of intervention for change you are setting yourself up for failure. You and your partner may both be “good” people, but you may not be good for each other and that’s just REAL TALK!

Learn one another’s LOVE LANGUAGE, a term that the author Gary Chapman is a genius for coining, in my opinion. Be selfless and consider how you can please your partner..Are you COMPLIMENTING or COMPETING…Are you a COMPANION or an OPPONENT?!?!?? Check yaself!