Monthly Archives: April 2014

“Mean Well, then Speak Well”

Whenever I travel out-of-town, I call significant people in my life  to let them know of my plans. This week I am preparing to travel out-of-town in a few days and one of those significant people who “means well, but often doesn’t speak well” said, “Ok, I love you and safe travels and make sure you don’t starve the kids”. YES THEY DID!!! YES THEY DID undermine my common sense and mothering of my kiddies..I was quite appalled, but decided to not dignify their words with a response because I am SOOOOOO TIRED of telling this person about their “not so nice” words. Their “stuff” that they refuse to fully deal with often gets in the way of how we communicate. How do you respond to that without having a feud and giving off negative energy, when you are striving to be a positive person?!??!! So, can someone really mean well if they continue to not speak well to you?!?!?? I don’t think so!

Whether you, the reader of this post are a Christian or not, I believe you can’t help but agree that this Proverb from the Bible speaks THE TRUTH about how powerful words are!

Proverbs 18:21 (KJV)

Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

Which simply means that you can help or harm with your words, you can empower or demean with your words, you can encourage or discourage with your words, but most of all you CHOOSE YOUR WORDS! When (our) children have fits, tantrums, or are straight up acting like they are losing their minds, very often when attempting to defuse the situation we say “USE YOUR WORDS”, or when we want them to be polite and say things such as please, thank-you, etc. we might say WHAT’S THE MAGIC WORD. So as adults why don’t we “use our words”? why do we stop saying “the magic word”? Sadly, I have seen women tear each other down instead of building one another up:( and it all stems from a need to compete and survive in this crazy world that caters to men in ways that women are not catered to(i.e.  men receiving a higher salary pay than a woman who holds the same job position<– Quite a shame that we are in the 21st century and this happens more than you think).  If we would only come to the realization that we are stronger together than apart. Competition is not a bad thing, but it becomes unhealthy when you degrade someone and you don’t have any regard for another person and will take them down, bring them down, SPEAK THEM DOWN, to get what you want, to get your point across. Last time I checked we were all human beings, whether a man or woman we bleed red, so why not have an uplifting attitude, word and spirit.

As a new mom, it is so important to surround myself with positive women, but essentially positive people in general. I know that there are many people who “MEAN WELL” and want to give me all types of advice because they have “been there, done that”,but if you impose your beliefs on me, hardly compliment or acknowledge my efforts to be the best me or ridicule my every move then I will never get the opportunity to say that I have “been there, done that”. Honestly that expression “been there, done that”  if you “MEAN WELL”, should only be said with good intent to encourage someone because your experience has equipped you with the tools to push through. So, there is no excuse, if you “mean well”!

Maybe we need to really consider the old adage that says, “If you have nothing good to say, then don’t say nothing at all”. Unfortunately, most of us have a few of those “mean well,but often doesn’t speak well” people in our lives, and my advice is simply SPEAK UP! Do not let anyone speak down to you because you are young, you’re a new mom, a new graduate, etc. Let them know that what they said did harm and not help. And if they say that you’re being dramatic, immature, etc. simply tell them, “Well you have your right to your opinion, so who am I to sit here and work hard to convince you of anything different”. However, do not disregard or diminish the fact that you were hurt because we need to be more cognizant as fellow human beings of USING OUR WORDS to encourage not discourage, BUT do know which battles to fight. Some people’s “stuff” can be a hindrance to the most tactful, yet honest response you may say because “Hurting people say and do hurtful things”. However, you don’t have to be anyone’s punching bag, you can  decide to be cordial and keep them at an arm’s length or if for whatever reason they have to be in your circle, use discernment about what you share with them and if all else fails WALK AWAY with your head held high because you may not be perfect, but if you’re putting your best foot forward then you are being the best you, you can be!

“Their Cries”

Sometimes my children like to tag team me with what seems like endless crying. It used to overwhelm me, but I have learned how to manage it. My son, who recently turned two, would cry and startle his 8mth.old sister, who in turn would suddenly start crying too. As his cries would get louder so would hers. I don’t believe her tears were compassionate tears for his unhappiness, but instead were tears of concern and fear for herself. But, hey you never know, children have their own language, so I’ve heard from many parents. And then there were times my daughter would cry and because she’s an infant that is her only way to express a need. A need to nurse, a need for a clean diaper, to express that she is in pain, a desire for love and affection, etc. All of a sudden my son would begin to cry. His tears seemed to be based on competing for attention because he feels neglected. So, there were times I would hold my 2yo, who has a build of a 4yo, on one hip and hold my baby girl on the other hip. It was a good workout for my arms, but began to take a toll on my back, so I no longer do it as often. Instead while seated I hold one in each arm and the tears stop.

However before I began “managing it”, I would often feel frustrated, annoyed and inadequate as their mom. I KNOW, I KNOW, my feelings of inadequacy were DRAMATIC, but it’s the honest truth of how I felt. Many moms don’t give themselves enough credit on the exceptional job they are doing, but instead are their own worst critic. I am guilty of this crime, lol, but everyday I make a conscious effort to tell myself something positive,count my children as blessings and declare that I could very well be a better mom, but I am just enough for them right now.

I also remind myself that their cries tell me I am better than blessed. While my children “tag team” me and cry, sometimes they may even scream for what seems to be for no apparent reason, somewhere there are women who are crying and sometimes screaming out because they miscarry:(, they have had a stillborn baby, they have medical conditions that affect their ability to conceive, their partner cannot medically conceive a child, etc. When my children have crying fits that sound like someone is hurting them and are piercing to my ears and sometimes my sanity, somewhere there are women who are hurting themselves even committing suicide because they are overcome with sadness. Sadness that pierces their heart, their sanity because they can’t have a child. When I am straining to hold my son and my daughter in each arm, there is some woman somewhere who would do anything to have a child in their arms that is healthy, breathing and even crying. The tears of my children are expressions, language, their communication to tell momma their heart’s desire and needs. THEIR TEARS REPRESENT LIFE.

Crying never hurt nobody! It does just the opposite, it is a release, it is a form of letting go, and often gets the person who is crying the attention they need to address their problem.

So my way of managing their tears is to say with a smile, “Ok you two, momma only has two hands, one at a time” and they look at me, sometimes the crying stops, sometimes the crying gets louder, sometimes the crying turns to sobs and whimper and then sometimes they surprise me and smile. A woman with tears and cries of pain of no children would trade me any day for tears and cries of a child. Even more so I have 2 children, a boy and a girl, what many people call the best of both worlds. So I am blessed! I am not writing this post to show off, but instead I am saying I am simply grateful, undeserving and favored with my heritage, my rewards, my precious gems from my Lord and Saviour. I won’t sit here and say that I no longer get frustrated, annoyed and sometimes overwhelmed by what seems like endless crying, I’m human after all, and let’s face it, for some interesting reason God has blessed these little people with some powerful vocal cords,lol, so ignoring is often not an option. However, I am saying that children are gifts of God and our responsibility to and/or for them is to take the whole package, the good and the not so good, e.g.endless crying, but God never gives us more than we can bear. Some days I watch what I go through most of the day through my husband’s tiresome and sometimes frantic eyes and stressful expressions, I can’t help but to ask myself “How do I DO IT”?!?!!! And the answer is simply, God’s Grace, He does it through me. Imperfect me. He chose me for such an influential and significant role for these 2 and I ought not take it lightly. I am no different than the childless tearful woman, I have other “stuff” that makes me tearful, so I will embrace my children and their tears because THEY HAVE LIFE!

“Christianity-My LIFESTYLE, Not my religion”

I have no shame in my belief in God, in my identity as a Christian and in the standards I live by. However, I also believe in the saying “don’t be so heavenly minded that you’re no earthly good”. I was born and raised as a Christian and although Christianity has always been a huge component in my life, I have always surrounded myself with a few not so like-minded people ON PURPOSE. I have always been intrigued by people who are different from me. I believe the reasoning behind me doing this is because often times Christians are looked at as people who think they are holier than thou, stuck up and turn up their noses at people who are not Christians. In addition, as a human being, naturally I was curious about what was on “the other side”, and although I didn’t really dip in “the other side” when I was young, I would talk and socialize with those who would. I didn’t want to be that stuck up person and I sincerely believed that I was a humble, open-minded individual.

And then..

As an adult I went through several hardships and challenges that made me question my faith and made me realize I wasn’t humble after all. I got quite a rude awakening. I realized that I did not have it together and the only way I could get it together was to get even more grounded in my faith. It isn’t logical, I know, but it was the key to my newfound understanding that a Christian isn’t someone who has it together, but instead it is someone who needs to get it together, who needs help, but most importantly needs Christ to get it together, to give them help. When I’m all out of answers, when I can’t see my way, when everything in my life seems to be heading in a downward spiral, my faith in Christ is what holds me down.

I’ve been too blessed to not believe that there is a God. Being a Christian is illogical, which is why I am okay with being misunderstood as a Christian. Some days I don’t know how I make it through because I get tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, uncertain, and feel helpless because I am trying to help everyone else and wonder, “who is helping me though”? As a mom, a wife, but most of all as a woman, I tend to put others ahead of me. But my savior, my lord, Jesus Christ reminds me that He is my help and I’m first in His book which is reassurance enough:). And when I’m going through the tough times I just take a look at my life and realize that my good outweighs my bad!